


Anything for a Friend

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death Fix, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Marriage Proposal, Post-Episode: s10e12 The Doctor Falls, Psychopaths In Love, Secret Marriage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-13
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2019-01-09 11:54:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12275949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: Two psychopaths fell in love and got married.  One of them saved the other's life.  But they wouldn't say it's love--well, at least Missy wouldn't, anyway.





	Anything for a Friend

**Author's Note:**

  * For [triplesalto](https://archiveofourown.org/users/triplesalto/gifts).



At one point in her life, River Song hid out in the early part of the twentieth century, working as an archaeologist in Egypt. It was a good time to hide out from everyone she knew. As long as she didn't contact the Doctor to assist her in any way, the Doctor wouldn't be looking for her. Her parents weren’t born yet. And, most importantly, between the discovery of the bust of Nefertiti in Armana and the discovery of Tutankhamun's tomb, there were plenty of opportunities to write thesis papers. Lots and lots of thesis papers.

So when River’s assistant knocked on the door of her office in Egypt some time in 1918, she was disgruntled. “What did I tell you? This thesis I’m writing cannot wait. Leave me alone!”

“It’s a package for you, Doctor Song,” River’s assistant said. 

“Throw it in the trash.” 

“It’s some sort of gold disc, ma’am. It has these circles on it, big ones, small ones, connected by lines. I can’t touch the disc. It feels like it has an electric charge. I’ve been able to kick it outside your door with my boots.” 

River cleared her throat. She stood up from her desk and walked towards the door. “I’ll take the disc. Thank you.”

When River opened the door, her assistant was gone, but the package from her was still there. And unlike her assistant, River could pick up the disc. She placed the disc on her desk.

The “disc” was actually a Gallifreyan confession dial. The circles and lines were actually Gallifreyan script, reading “To River Song.” River knew what this meant. Missy, one of her wives, was about to die. And it was up to River to save her. 

 

River and Missy first met when River was still imprisoned in Stormcage Containment Facility, near the time she was to be pardoned. The warden was gullible enough to believe anyone that came by her office was offering pardon assignments to River. Missy came by the office as a “Ms Emilia Meester,” a woman interested in archaeology in the early twenty-first century. She grinned at River as she stood in front of her cell. “Wobby-I-O!”

River, told about “Ms Meester’s” visit in advance by the Stormcage warden, was dressed in a white shirt, jeans, and combat boots. She read books about the Master while she was at Luna University, but ever since she was imprisoned in Stormcage, she hadn’t had a chance to bump into any of the Master’s incarnations. Besides, there were so many versions of the Master inhabiting time and space. It was hard to keep track with all of them at the same time. “Well, you don’t look like you’re about to go on a dig.” 

“Oh, no. I expect you to do the digging. I’m going to go do the pointing.” 

“Why Edwardian? You said we were going to 2010 London.”

“This is how we dress at the Koriranos Institute. We like to party like it’s 1909 all the time.” 

River nodded, slowly. “Okay. Where are we going again?”

“Dent Road, London. Former site of Her Majesty’s Prison Broadwell. I’ve been asked to retrieve Harold Saxon’s ring from the ruins there. We’re to display it at the British Library for our exhibit ‘You Will Obey: A History of the Master on Earth.’ But we have to hurry. Someone else might be interested in the ring. But I'm hoping we beat him there.”

 

The sun peeked out of the remains of Broadfell prison, destroyed after Missy’s last incarnation, the one who also went by Harold Saxon, was resurrected. Missy and River split up, walking around, hoping for something shiny to appear on what was the prison’s floor. River found the ring covered by a fallen and burnt piece of wood. She lifted the wood and picked up the ring. “Ms Meester? I found Harold Saxon’s ring.”

Missy went to River and snatched the ring from River’s fingers. “Finally.” She rolled the ring around in her fingers. “Sometimes I can hear the drums in my head. But they’re mostly gone now.”

River stood up. “Ms Meester?”

“Never. Never. Never. Never dying. Never dying. Never dying. _Never dying._ ”

“Drums. ‘Never dying.’” River pointed at Missy. “You’re the Master.”

“I prefer the Mistress now.” A huge grin appeared on Missy’s face. “But call me Missy.”

River grabbed the ring back. “You can’t have this.”

Missy snatched the ring back from River. “Why not? It’s useless now. I only wanted it now for sentimental value. The fools who ran this prison gave their life to revive me. And they used this ring. Their energy was yummy, by the way. My ex-wife killed them all, which is why you see all this rubble. I knew she had it in her. That’s why my younger self married her.”

“Someone could still revive you with that ring.”

“I’m not dead right now, am I? I’m very much alive. And I don’t plan to die.” 

“If there was a cult devoted to you—”

“That was his thing, wanting to be worshipped. The Prime Minster of the United Kingdom, the Disciples of Saxon, some ship on Mondas. I just want my friend back.” 

“The Doctor’s not your friend.”

“Well, who is he to you, then?”

“I’m his wife.”

Missy laughed. “You mean the wife he left behind on Gallifrey?”

“No. A wife he married years later. But that’s besides the point. I can’t let you have that ring.”

From seemingly out of nowhere, Missy pulled out her photograph-taking and murdering device and aimed it at River. “Then I’m not going to let you see the inside of Stormcage again. Now say something nice.”

River walked towards Missy.

“Say something nice,” Missy repeated. 

River walked up to Missy. “I dare you to shoot me.” 

“So you’re going to let me have my ring back?”

“Will you promise to do nothing with the ring?”

“I can’t wear it now. Too big. What can I do with it?”

“Yes, Missy. You can have your ring back.”

Missy put away her device. A message appeared on Missy’s vortex manipulator from the warden of Stormcage, telling Missy she had five minutes to bring River back to Stormcage or face imprisonment. “Pity. I wanted you to beg for me.” 

 

River didn’t have to let Missy get her ring back. She didn't have to make herself one of the someones Missy would bequeath her confession dial to. But she did. River specifically researched Missy when she was working as a professor at Luna University. A phrase one of Missy’s earlier incarnations rang in her head as she researched Missy: “A cosmos without the Doctor scarcely bears thinking about.” River looked carefully for the moments when Missy disappeared in her books. The moment when Missy supposedly died after a Cyberman uprising she created didn’t pan out, as Missy was able to use a Cyberman blast to escape the Doctor and UNIT. But other opportunities arrived. Missy once found herself trapped on Skaro, surrounded by Daleks. It took some time, but River found Missy and saved her before a Dalek could exterminate her.

“I felt it was my duty to save one of the Doctor’s friends,” River said as the two landed at the Maldovarium. “Even if they’re psychotic mass murderers.”

“Says the murdering psychopath,” Missy answered back.

Once, an unknown Time Lord with an agenda against the current President of Gallifrey captured some of the Masters. The greying one in the Nehru jacket. The one who was alive, but decaying. The one who stole the body of a Trakenite. “Harold Saxon.” And Missy. The Time Lord wanted the Masters to do battle against each other, and the one that survived would've helped this Time Lord overthrow the President. But before the Masters were forced to battle each other, the arena the Masters were supposed to battle in disintegrated. All of them had TARDISes to escape to, except for Missy. But before Missy could've faced certain death, River used her vortex manipulator to transport her out of harm’s way.

"I would have a TARDIS if Harry hadn’t blown ours up after he regenerated," Missy said after River and her returned to the Maldovarium. "Probably did it out of spite.” Missy looked out in the distance of the Maldorvarium, as if she was remembering something. Then: “At least he paid attention when he chose this form.”

Missy noticed River’s gestures. She decided to repay River's gesture in a way River would understand. She set up a booth at the Maldorvarium with stolen goods: the Crown Jewels of England, a Fabergé egg, a bag of gold, and much more. She even made a commercial for her booth so she could transmit it to River’s vortex manipulator. “Come on down to Missy’s Hot Goods at the Maldorvarium,” she said in front of her device, waving towards all her stolen goods. “Goods so hot, they’ll burn you to a crisp before I do.” Her trademark smile curled in front of her face. 

River appeared immediately at the Maldorvarium and Missy’s tent. “Missy, what are you doing?”

Missy shrugged. “I wanted to get in a bit of shopping with my best gal pal in the world.”

“The Crown Jewels?” River pointed at them. “How did you even get close to the Crown Jewels?”

“I disabled the cameras and security systems. I sent all the ravens to the Thames. I made the guards think they were unused puppets. And then I made UNIT think the same way.” 

“What’s the meaning of this? Other than to get my attention, which you certainly have now.”

“I’ve been thinking about my death.” Missy’s voice was serious. 

“But you said yourself ‘Death is for other people.’”

“And it still is. I usually find ways to work around death. Steal a body here, get some gullible fools to literally give their lives to me there…”

“I know.”

“But I’m not sure if I have a workaround for my last death. I’ve been blocking the memory ever since I chose this form, but I know who kills me.”

“The Doctor?”

“No, the Doctor would never kill me. He has tried to kill me, but I know he doesn’t have the hearts to do it. He is, as you say, ‘a sentimental idiot.’ No, I kill myself. Harry and I met each other once. I’ve met myself as Harry. I haven’t met Harry yet. Long story, but I stab Harry with a knife and Harry becomes me. He shoots me in the back with his laser screwdriver. You being River Song, you should know about the laser screwdriver.”

River nodded.

“Harry brags about me never regenerating again. Harry believes he’s shot me in my hearts. Therefore I can’t regenerate any more. And now I’m dreading death.” 

River nodded. “I understand the sentiment. But I can’t help you.”

“Actually, you can. I can’t believe you call yourself an archaeologist and not know about Gallifreyan confession dials.”

“I thought those were used exclusively on Gallifrey.”

“They are. The best way to send it to you would be through the Sisterhood of Karn, but ever since I received the Doctor's confession dial, we're not on speaking terms. Something involving their elixir and their flame-portal and me trying to steal it from them. But I'll get my confession dial to you. Don't worry. I always find a way. ”

“You want me to have your confession dial.”

Missy nodded. “The Doctor and I are friends. But you know what he’d do if I sent him my confession dial. I trust you know what to do with my confession dial when the time comes.”

“You just went on this spiel--”

“I stole all these jewels to ask you to be my wife. You don’t ever have to tell him. I won’t tell.” Missy zipped her lips.

“I thought you hated love.”

“Someone born to human parents like you would say it’s love. I like to think of it as a business arrangement. With sex.”

“I thought you hated sex.”

“I usually rise above animalistic needs like sex. But I can’t do it all the time. That’s why I have a daughter.” 

River still remembered the image of Missy, looking as if she was about to kneel, in front of all the items she stole to impress River. It disgusted River to agree with a murderous psychopath like Missy, but Missy understood her in ways the Doctor didn’t. Missy wanted a fellow psychopath by her side. The Doctor didn’t. And, if anything, River believed that if the universe still had the Doctor in it, it also needed a Master. 

After River and Missy returned the stolen goods and dealt with a few Cybermats, River and Missy eloped to the Marriage Planet, marrying in front of officially licensed wedding guests in one of the planet’s chapels. 

River let Missy do whatever she wanted when they consummated their marriage. River loved when Missy attempted to kill her by choking her, heightening her experience if only for a moment. Eventually Missy gave up on choking and decided to tire River out by making love to her. It worked. Missy started singing “(I Just) Died in Your Arms” by Cutting Crew as River let out a chuckle and went to sleep. 

 

And now the moment was at hand. Missy’s friend, who eventually became Missy’s wife, was hand-picked to receive her confession dial. And River now had the confession dial on her desk. Missy said River would know what to do with the confession dial, something the Doctor would never do: save her from death. And River read about the times the Doctor felt the Master should be guarded in order to prevent the Master from doing evil deeds.

River knew she should’ve turned her back on Missy’s oath. She should just be like the Doctor, guarding Missy in, quite possibly, the most fortified prison she was ever trapped in. A prison the Doctor should’ve thought of while guarding the Master when the Master was a Deathworm Morphant. A prison the Doctor came close to imitating with his Vault. River was disgusted at the Doctor imprisoning Missy in it for a thousand years, in an attempt to rehabilitate her. But as part of her pact with Missy, she’d never tell him what she knew about Missy. In turn, Missy would never tell the Doctor what she knew about River. 

River read the Gallifreyan on Missy’s confession dial before tracing it with her finger. A part of the confession dial opened. River knew Missy was inside of it.

River grabbed the nearest vortex manipulator near her and set its coordinates to go inside Missy’s confession dial. 

 

River didn’t realize it, but inside Missy’s confession dial was a replication of the moment “Harold Saxon” shot Missy. Missy was still lying in the position she was in after she was shot in the back.

“Welcome to my greatest fear,” Missy said as River approached her. “The fear of death. My fate: to lie in this spot for all my days, because everyone I know believes me dead. If they’re not already dead already.” A grin. “The Doctor was stupid enough to let me work on his TARDIS.”

“You didn’t hurt her, did you?”

“No. I was supposed to be good. He had some of his pets on board. I wouldn’t be talking to you if I harmed his pets.”

“You mean his companions.”

“Pets, companions, same thing. I found a transmat in his TARDIS while working on her. And I found a spare travel dial. I had a feeling that the Doctor’s rehabilitation mission for me would lead to my death. So I crafted the dial there. I programmed the travel dial to transport me into the confession dial when I knew I was dying. And then I sent the confession dial with the transmat. The TARDIS kept my secret from the Doctor and his pets. The confession dial recreated my final resting place, or so it seems. You did the rest. I knew you’d know what to do with my confession dial.” 

River picked up Missy’s body and steadied her in her arms. “I know exactly where I can get you treated. But you’ll have to come up with a pseudonym. You’re usually good at those.”

 

River took Missy to the Sisters of the Infinite Schism. There, they registered Missy as the renegade Time Lady “Ms Emilia Meester.” River came up with a lie about finding Ms Meester on Earth and then marrying her in a shotgun wedding. But then, one day, she found Ms Meester sprawled out on the floor in their Earth home. Knowing something was wrong with Ms Meester, and knowing Earth hospitals couldn't save Ms Meester, given her body composition, River took Ms Meester to the Sisters. And River knew first hand the Sisters knew how to treat beings with two hearts. 

Missy went into a healing coma. Missy appeared dead. River and the Sisters understood she was healing. While she was in her healing coma, Missy was examined before being sent to rest in one of the hospital’s rooms.

“Have you discovered what happened to my wife?” River said to one of the Sisters, wearing a nun’s outfit, but every piece of fabric was white.

“It appears that just as Ms Meester was about to die, a laser struck one of her hearts. Do you know who shot a laser at her?”

River shook her head. “I was too late to find the assailant, and there were no clues as to who they were.”

“I assume that stopped her from dying completely. She will be weaker until her heart recovers. But any time now I expect her to come out of her coma. As her wife, I will release her into your care.”

 

River took a healing Missy back to where she was hiding out in 1918. In her office, while Missy was still resting, River called for her assistant, only to fire her assistant. When her assistant asked what spurred River’s decision, she pointed to Missy and said “I’m doing you a favour. I’m giving you ample time to escape a woman who, at best, says she wants to eat you and, at worse, will actually zap you with a laser and kill you. Trust me, you don’t want to be around when she wakes up.” 

 

River’s new assistant was called “Ms Emilia Meester.” No one knew where she came from, which put River and Missy at ease. All River’s associates knew about Ms Meester was her dark sense of wit, her efficiency in handling River’s paperwork, and she was strong enough to handle tasks River’s last assistant couldn’t handle.

Along with the new assistant, a new item was on River’s desk: a ring on a small platform, covered under glass. River said it was her late father’s ring. No one ventured to ask further about said ring, which was actually “Harold Saxon’s” ring.

One day, after all her menial tasks were done, Missy made River a cup of coffee and knocked on River’s door. River let her in. 

“Is the coffee poisoned?” River didn’t look up from whatever thesis paper she was writing at the moment. 

“No, dear. Isn’t it too early for a morning quickie?”

“No. But I’m busy. Leave it on my desk.”

“So when do we go tomb raiding? When do I get to vaporize a mummy? Accidentally summon demons from King Solomon’s Mines?”

River looked up. “Soon, Missy. When I get an assignment. And King Solomon’s Mines aren’t in Egypt.”

“I know. But apparently you don’t have friends that are librarians.”

“Huh?”

“Never mind.” Missy cleared her throat. “I usually have nothing to thank anyone for. But I have to thank you for saving me from death.”

“Anything for a friend.”

“Don’t be too thankful. Next time, I’ll evade death. I might even steal your body to do so.”

“You won’t be doing that, Missy.”

“In the meantime, I’m feeling peckish. There’s nothing in this room to nosh on. I may as well try to nosh on you.”

“I said I don’t have time for a morning quickie. But I’ve changed my mind. I _do_ have the time. Now nosh on me.”

Missy lunged to give River a kiss, and River followed, a smile on her face.


End file.
